So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
