3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
