i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
