apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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