Banned from zoo.
Again?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
