I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
