I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
