just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
