My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
