Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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