That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
