I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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