o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
