Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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