Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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