I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.