I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
