Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
