Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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