Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
