I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
