Umm I'm too high to move.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
you made out with another girl for some wings
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
