just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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