I should be sponsored by Trojan
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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