Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Randomize
