I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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