the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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