my soul wont recognize me after tonight
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
