smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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