I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
