If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
