Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
