the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
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Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
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I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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