can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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