you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
