I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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