I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
