Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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