how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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