i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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