The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
