So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
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They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
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you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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