he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
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We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
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Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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