Apparently you make a good broom.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
