God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
