You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
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I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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