nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
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Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
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American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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