Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Everyone says I win the strip club
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
