Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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