I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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