Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i was born a porn star she said
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
