Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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