just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
